


59 Things We’re Not Allowed to Do Now That Nicholas Angel Has Taken Over the Station (But in All Honesty, We’re Probably Going to Do Them Anyway)

by ecto_gammat



Category: Hot Fuzz (2007)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-03
Updated: 2011-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-15 09:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecto_gammat/pseuds/ecto_gammat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by <a href="http://skippyslist.com/list/">things</a> <a href="http://atalantapendrag.livejournal.com/163152.html">like</a> <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/mythbusters/185264.html">these</a>.</p>
    </blockquote>





	59 Things We’re Not Allowed to Do Now That Nicholas Angel Has Taken Over the Station (But in All Honesty, We’re Probably Going to Do Them Anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [things](http://skippyslist.com/list/) [like](http://atalantapendrag.livejournal.com/163152.html) [these](http://community.livejournal.com/mythbusters/185264.html).

1\. Contents of the swear box are now going towards supplying the office with tea, paper clips, Post-It notes, and many other things that have begun rapidly disappearing.  
2\. Relating to the above, every paper clip in the office is not to be used to make a long paper clip chain that will eventually serve to hog-tie the Inspector.  
3\. Besides, he can break out of that anyway.  
4\. Also, the office has Post-It notes for specific, work related reasons.  
5\. And, no, Andy (whichever one of you did it), a specific, work related reason is NOT wallpapering the Turner’s Enquiries booth.  
6\. Or drawing dirty flip books.  
7\. Especially if those dirty flip books feature a certain Sergeant/Inspector inter-office relationship that isn’t really supposed to exist, but probably does anyway (how did those get in your drawer, Danny?)  
8\. Even when pages of a new dirty flip book featuring two mustachioed detectives are posted inside the walls of the men’s room, much to the delight of the rest of the office (because, honestly, we all find them quite funny. Even the Inspector had a chortle.)  
9\. And please, people, dirty mugs are to go in the sink when they have served their purpose.  
10\. They do not belong on, over, inside, outside, behind, in front of, on top of, near, beside of, under, or insert preposition here Tony’s desk.  
11\. Which, in turn, is not to be walled in by a large collection of empty, dirty tea mugs from not only the station, but a few homes and the pub as well (fess up, Doris, we know you started it).  
12\. From this day on, Andy promises to stop smoking.  
13\. Inside the building.  
14\. Only if Andy does it first.  
15\. The new Somerfield manager does not need to be restrained and interrogated until he confesses to conspiracy and association with the NWA.  
16\. Because, face it, the new Somerfield manager may be a bit of a wanker, but that confession was clearly influenced by interrogator bias.  
17\. Even the Andies could see that, Tony.  
18\. And if the Andies caught on, then everybody and their mums will be able to tell.  
19\. Besides, interrogations are not to be done whilst wearing a Spiderman costume; it’s just not all that professional.  
20\. Batman, Superman, the Incredible Hulk, Donkey Kong, Luke Skywalker, and the Terminator are still up for debate.  
21\. Sexual favors are not an acceptable substitution for patisserie.  
22\. So don’t even try.  
23\. Because the Chief won’t stand for another proposition.  
24\. (Danny, we’ll figure something out later.)  
25\. Taking people on a guided tour of the now famous “Sandford Shoot-Out” may make you a few bucks, but really won’t pan out in the long run.  
26\. Mixing and matching pieces of various uniforms DOES NOT count as showing up to work dressed appropriately. Subsequently, the excuse “But I’m wearing my uniform!” will not wash.  
27\. So wearing an Officer’s jumper, but only the swim trunks (thank God that they were trunks) from your old swim team is not acceptable workplace attire, Bob.  
28\. So, for all our sakes, please put your regular digs back on.  
29\. And leave the trunks at home.  
30\. In fact, burn them. Before we track them down and do it for you.  
31\. Setting off fire crackers in a pan while either Turner is dozing is an effective way to wake him up.  
32\. Yelling “George Merchant is returning from the grave!” before the crackers go off is not.  
33\. Get that damn swan out of the Chief’s office. Now.  
34\. In fact, if that swan comes near this police station again, the front room will have a new hat rack.  
35\. Also, get the squirrel out of Doris’ desk. It’s driving Saxon crazy.  
36\. From now on, no more live animals inside this station (except you, Saxon. You’re our favorite).  
37\. Dressing up as Leslie Tiller (complete with neck shears) was probably not the best idea for a Halloween costume, Doris.  
38\. Even though it did win you the Most Creative Costume award.  
39\. How did Turner get that Sharpie mustache?  
40\. How did you manage to get both Turners with the Sharpie mustaches?  
41\. Great. Now we’ve got to up the price of swear words to cover the blatant misuse of office supplies.  
42\. Nice going, cunts.  
43\. Fuck, that’s £3.00 on your part, Andy.  
44\. Ooooo and that’s £2.00 to you, Andy!  
45\. Shut it, Doris.  
45\. Shut it, Doris.  
46\. Running into the office screaming “the NWA are coming!” will not get you a day off.  
47\. In fact, it’ll get your ass kicked. Hard.  
48\. And then Danny won’t talk to you for a week.  
49\. And how did the hedgehog get back in to the riot room?  
50\. No more live animals are supposed to be inside this station. (Shut up, ~~Sandbag~~ Saxon. We know you’re there. Sometimes.)  
51\. Despite what you may read, Andy and Andy, hedgehogs, be they living or dead, are not acceptable riot control weaponry.  
52\. Yes, even if some prat in Australia did it.  
53\. In retrospect, William Shakespeare’s Romeo  & Juliet probably wasn’t the best choice for the station’s movie night.  
54\. While on the clock, handcuffs are ONLY to be used when arresting law offenders.  
55\. What you do with them in your personal time is your business.  
56\. And not the concern of the rest of the office.  
57\. Unless the story involves some sort of hilarious mishap, kind of like that time Tony decided to try to amp up his sex life, and somehow managed to handcuff himself (naked, in one of those funny pretzel twist positions) to the stationary bike.  
58\. While it was running.  
59\. Finally, please, please, please, PLEASE stop digging through Danny’s and the Chief’s desks looking for personal items to incriminate (and possibly blackmail) them. We all know that those items are hidden under the third floorboard to the left of the inside of the door of the Chief’s office.


End file.
